Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in clayton1975's LiveJournal:

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Tuesday, December 28th, 2004
9:57 am	Moving forward It has indeed been a long time since i last updated my journal. Lots has happen and as the year comes to a close, i look forward to the new year with hope, fear, excitment, dissapointment and all other human emotion possible. As most of you know that I'm going to begin my life makeover begining 1 January 2005 and the feeling I have of the makeover is the same as i have for the new year. I know its going to be a strugle for me but as people say, how can we appreciate success is the road to it is easy. The past week has been really an emotional rollercoaster ride for me as I'm making some life changing decision. I just fear what lies ahead as i step out of my comfort zone. All my life i did stuff tht i was certain of.I did stuff tht would make other people happy. I became a people pleaser. I hated dissapointing family and friends. Even if it meant tht i had to skip work to help a friend i did it. Even if it meant loaning money tht i counldnt spare, i did it. I just could not let my family and friends down. I began to neglect wht i wanted in order to help other people achieve their goals. As life progress, i got comfortable with my comfort zone. Sure i was not happy but i had the preception tht at least i'm making other people happy. And if the other party is happy, i should be happy to. comfortable at the things tht i could control in my life, but i realise tht i was not heading anywhere in terms of personal growth. I've lost my identity. I love my direction. I lost myself in other people's wants and needs. I was becoming depress. I NEEDED TO GET OUT!!!!! And so here I am at the dawn of a new year. What lies before me? I dont know. But if i do not take the first step forward, i will just be standing here looking at other peoples life move on except mine. (Comment on this)
Monday, November 22nd, 2004
8:40 am	Feelings for a best pal I always read it in the Big Brother Section in the Newspaper...." Falling in love with Best friend"......I never thought I will come to a point where I'm facing the same thing. Over the wkn, I realise tht I've gain feelings for a best friend of mine , John (not his real name) while both of us together with a friend of his were talking about what John was going to do over the wkn. John and a Singaporean friend were heading to Genting over the wkn and John's friend was teasing him saying tht they were going to bump each other all nite long and stuff. i laughted at the joke...but inside..i was feeling hurt. Why was I feeling this way? As fas as I know, John and I have lots in common in terms of interest and outlook on life. We've jokes about our love life and we shared out type of guy we would like to be in a relationship with. I know that I'm not his type. The next day, I wrote an SMS tht when.... " I'm taking time of from John, so pls dnt mention him to me for a while" I was planning to send tht SMS to another friend of mine Sam (Not his real Name) but i send it to John......THE HORROR!!!!!!! I realise the mistake and tried to cancel the transmission...but i failed. I called Sam and was on the phone with him when John called. I freaked......Oh no........I didnt pick up John's call. As i was talking to Sam about wht's going on with me and John....John called again...which I didnt pick up. After tht, I got an SMS from John asking to meet up for dinner. After the conversation with Sam, I replied John's sms by saying I wont be able to meet up with him for dinner. After sending tht sms...John called again. I didnt answer the call. After 5 min...i sms him back saying i was in the shower and ask him whts up. He called. This time i picked up the call. John: Hello Me: HEllo John: Want to meet up for dinner? Me: No thanks John: What are you doing later? Me: Nothing John: Tht means we can meet up for dinner Me:...Errrr....Well...... John: Come on. Me: OK (WHAT AN IDIOT!!! WHY DIDNT I JUST SAY NO???) 45 Min later i was at the restaurant having dinner with John and His Singaporean friend, Melvin (Not his real Name). As we ordered the food, Sam called and I told him that we were having dinner and if he wanted to join us for dinner. I was hopping tht he would come....which he did. THERE IS A GOD!! The dinner was ok. After the dinner we when our separate ways. NExt morning, I get an sms from Sam telling me tht he saw John and Mel at LQ. Apparently both of them couldnt keep away from each other. I felt hurt...but I cant do anything about it cause John makes his own decision. Besides, John and I are just friends. How can friends have feelings for each other. Thats not possible. Anyway, I decided to take time out from John for this week. Hopefully, this week, i'll try to find some direction in all of this. Cheers (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Friday, November 19th, 2004
8:38 am	God has a sense of Humour For those of you that thinks life sucks or that things are always go bad for you, this is an entry for you. Before I begin my entry, let me tell you a story. "There once lived a couple who had two sons. Both of them were total oposites in terms of thinking. One was an optimistic(Cup is half Full) and the other was a pasimistic (cup is half empty). Both brothers shared a room and one day their parents decided to fill their room with toys. The optimistic son entered the room first and gleed with joy with all the toys he could play with. The pasimistic son entered and he grumbled about now he had not much place to move in the room. The next day, the parents decided to fill the room with cow dung. This time, the pasimistic son entered first and as always, he grumbled about the smell and the mess. When the optimistic son entered, the parents were expecting him to say something bad, but instead, he smiled and thank his parents for getting them a pet cow." The moral of the story. We can either go thru life grumbling about everything from the weather to the traffic jams to relationships or we can go thru life trying to laugh at things and see the good side of things. As many of u know, Chris and I are no more and its going to be almost 1 month tommorrow since the day my heart was broken. Yesterday, i saw him online and decided to just say hi and ask how he was doing. this was the conversation. Me: Hello. How are you? Hows the meeting? Chris: Still in the meeting. Please know that MSN is for office use only. I was like...HUH? All this while, for the past 2 months or so, when we chatted during office hr, he never made a fuss about us chatting on line and he does now? I was fustrated but i also laughted at myself. Geez...I was actually interested in a guy like him? Than there is the insident with Alex. As most of you, Alex is one of my best pals and I love hanging out with him. one of my flaw in life is tht i ussually dnt give ppl space to breath and I learn tht lesson a long time ago and i didnt want to lose alex friendship and so I decided yesterday morning tht i was not going to call or communicate with alex for at least over the wkn. Got home..and all of a sudden...Alex called. He ussually doesnt call. I was like..."God...what are you trying to do?" I answered and Alex asked how i was doing and the next thing I know, i was out with him having dinner. Than this morning, he sms me and said he has food poisoning and I'm going over later this evening to deliver porriage. These two insident just shows me tht God has a funny way for teaching us things. What did i learn from these two insident? With Chris, I see tht he's the one thts not matured when all this while he made me feel like i was the inmature one With Alex.....Well....I dnt know...but I'm sure to know what it is and I'm going to laugh about it. Cheers (Comment on this)
Monday, November 15th, 2004
5:38 am	The trilogy Begins.... Today was the first day of Raya and it was also the day of the Pink party at orange. Here I am at coffee bean KL plaza sipping on white chocolate at 5 in the evening. My day began with the explosion of fireworks outside my window. I looked at the clock and it was 12.15am. I had an open house to attend later that morning and so I decided to get my laundry done since I was up. After loading up the washing machine with my laundry, I checked my handphone to see if any of my friends had come back to me on what I should wear for the party. No messages. And so, I decided to send out Raya greetings vis sms to all my muslim friends as the night sky was being filled up with colors from the so called banned firecrackers. The next thing I knew, I heard the beeping of the washing machine in the distance telling me that the washing was done. Once I hung my clothes out to dry, I decided to go thru my closet to see that I can pull together for the party later that night. All I has were t-shirts, slacks, long sleeves shirts and polo shirts. I got everything out and tried to mix match my clothes. All of a sudden my phone beeped. A message. I threw what was in my hands and got my handphone, hoping that it was someone advising me what I should wear. SIGH. It was just a message from one of my friend thanking me for the Raya SMS greeting. I looked at the heap of clothes on my bed and decided to put the polo shirt in one pile, the slacked in one pile, the t shirts in one pile. I closed my eyes and just pulled something from each pile and that was how I got my gear for that night. A blue slack pants, a white long sleeve shirt and a blur t-shirt. So far, all I knew was that Alex and his friends from Singapore were going for the party and so I decided to meet them up at bukit bintang after the raya open house just to help me get into the state of mind. There I was with Alex being introduced to his Singaporean friends. Thomas, Terrance and…and….and…. Dexter. Dexter was like…..Goo…Gaa…Slurp…Yummy…GOGAGA…..Sigh. He had awesome eyes and a very cute smile. Ok..i admit, he had a nice ass as well. Anyway, Dexter wanted to head back to the hotel to take a rest cause he was not feeling well and since Thomas was not done with his haircut, Alex, Terrance and I decided to accompany Dexter back to the hotel. Once Thomas was done with his haircut, he came over to the hotel. Thomas wanted to go for a massage and so Alex suggested a place. I told Alex I was not up to it and told him that once they were done to give me a call. And so here we are at the beginning of my entry. As I was sipping on my white chocolate my phone began to ring. It was Alex. I said to myself they cant be done already. I barely left them for like 15 minutes Me: Hello? Are you guys done already? Alex: We are at Dome. Me: Ok. I’ll make my way there right now. And so, with a cup of ice blended white chocolate from Coffee bean, I made my way to Dome. As most of you know, Dome at Lot ten is a favorite hang out place for AJ (Singaporeans way of calling PLU). As we sat there, heads would turn each time a hunky or cute guy walked pass. There were a group of gay guys sitting behind us and each time a cute guy pass by, these group of people would take out their camera phone and take a picture of that guy. One of Thomas friends was there and we were introduced to his friend. His name was Calvin. He proudly called himself an information center on anything gay. From Gay massage places to gay pubs. He even told me about a bar called blueboy for chub people like me. He told me that I would like it. Anyway, Thomas was telling Calvin about the need for a body massage and Calvin was saying how this place is not worth going and how that place was expensive and how he knows the manager of a place and he can make an appointment for us. Than Calvin suggested Mirage. Alex and I wasn’t all that keen about going and so Calvin took Thomas to Mirage leaving me and Alex at Dome. We finished our drinks and decided to get dinner before we head home and get ready for the party. We had beef ball noodle soup. After dropping Alex home, I got a call from Melvin. He was on his way home and I ask him if he was going for the party. He said he was thinking about it. I told him that he had been having a bad week at work and that this was once way to let his stress out. I got home at eight and decided that I should try to get some shut eyes. I just laid there. Thinking about the party. Will I have fun? Will I see Chris there? What will people think when they see me? Seconds turn to Minutes. Next thing I knew, it was already 9.30 and so I decided to get ready. I was at Alex place at 10.30. When Alex step out of his house, my jaw dropped. TO BE CONTINUED…… (Comment on this)
Saturday, November 13th, 2004
9:39 am	Prequel Some ppl say tht clubs was another meat market and tht ppl there are just looking for a fling or ONS. But I think clubbing is jsut one way to let it all out and so I decided to celebrate my singlehood by going clubbing. As most of you know, Pink alert is this Sunday at orange. It's been a long while since I've gone clubbing and the last time i remember stepping into a club would be in 1998......so last century. I had many questions in my mind. What do I wear? What is the right way to act in a club? will I fit in? Who will i see there? What happens when i get there? Who do i go with? Do i go alone?What happens after clubbing? What do i do before clubbing? Was there a ritual? Geez......I was making this clubbing thing into a life crisis. I when to my closet and I was shocked to find out tht i had nothing to wear for tht nite. I wam a tshirt - shorts kind of guy. I got out my mobile phone and SMS my friends seeking professional help. The only reply I got was from Brian who said....."Slacks and a shirt will do." Arrrgghhh...AM I DOOM? Find out in my next entry on what happen before, during and after the party. Cheers (Comment on this)
Wednesday, November 10th, 2004
8:36 am	Changed? This was a conversation I had with Chris yesterday via MSN. Chris: I do not know what's wrong but things are not going so well between us now adays Me: U r right. Maybe we just need to chill out from each other for a while. let things boil over. Chris: Its not as comfortable as b4. U are not as nice as u r. MAybe thats the real you. Me: Nice? Chris: and kind Me: Kind? Chris: and understanding Me: Understanding? Chris: Are you acting all those up? Just curious. Me: Acting? Chris: So tht ppl can fall for your kindness Me: Dude...u thought I was acting nice, kind and understanding? LOL Chris: and touched by your thoughfullness nut not me. Me: Tell me when hv i been not nice, kind and understanding to you Chris: Honestly speaking, the last hang out was quite a disaster. Me: What do you mean? Chris: When we met up, you started complaning tht i am annoying, showing faces. U seem to go againts what ever i suggested or say. Me: dude...it was annoying cause we kept going thru the same thing over and over and over and over and over and over again. Chris: Everything i do or say seems to annoyed you Me: Look at it this way...a rubber band can be strech Chris: U never complaint abt this b4 Me: But at some point...it does have a snapping point Chris: Well my other friends and family member have not complaint abt this and they still walk with me Me: Well..i guess they have a higher tolarent level Chris: Well, you have your point of view Me: True. Dude..if you thought i was acting...man..i must be good cause i dnt think i could have acted tht way for almost 2 yrs. Chris: Yes, only high tolarent level ppl should be part of my life then :p Me: Well, I've learn tht i'm not one of them. I admit defeat Chris: That is the main criteria that i look for my life partner. NVM. Forget about tht. me: Well...good luck to tht person cause I gave it my all and i guess it was not good enough. I mean....u can say what ever u want Chris...and I'm not going to sulk and say life is not fair...Blah...why did ythis happen. All i can say is...I gave it my all and my best...thts all tht matters. Chris: Than stop Me: Stop what? Chris: Good and thanks for trying. Me: Your welcome. But thanks for the past 2 yrs. Chris: But I do not need revenge now Me: It has indeed been a blast and a good learning curve. Revange? What revange Chris: What ever Me: Dude..i dnt do tht ok....Wow...revange..thts a strong word dude Chris: NVM Me: If you think i was sharing with u abt this guy or the dinner or the movie thing was a way to get revange back at you...u r wrong cause I'm not going to sink to tht level. Chris: okok Me: Thank God i have friends to remind me tht i dnt have to sink to tht level wehere i have to make ppl feel guilty when i can feel proud. Chris: BYE OK.....here is wht bothers me. As most of you know, I'm making 2005 as my year of a makeover in terms of physically, emotionally, financially and socially. I've decided to be abit more self centred this time round cause I was someone who always agreed with the majority, always said yes to everything. I was not me. U caould call me a ppl pleaser. That was what I was. But as one of my friends said....at the end of the day...all tht matters is you. This change doesnt mean I'm going to have cold shoulders. This change just means Im going to speak my mind. This change means I'm going to say NO when i really disagree with something or if i cant do the task ahead. Some of you might say I'm going to turn into a Bitch...So be it. But al least I'll be a bitch with Pride and self dignity. (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Tuesday, November 9th, 2004
8:00 am	Making sense As most of you know, I've just gotten out of a so called relationship and I was finding reasons to wht this happen and wht benefits were there that this happen. Its been like 3 wks now and i came across this artical that spoke to me. The artical written by Ethan Choo on sgboy. I would like to share that artical with you. "My friend, Brad, is a very loveable chap. With a cheery and optimistic disposition enhancing his impish looks, he's as adorable as a new born pup. In his twentieth year, his enthusiasm is infectious and is one of the many reasons why I hang out with him. However, this week, as we sat at one of the kopitiam near my place, he was all gloomy and serious. Knowing how harsh I can be at times, though always that literal shoulder to cry on, he was a little hesitant at first to tell me more about his problem, but soon after a cup of tea, he relaxed a little and poured his woes to me. It would seem that his new love-of-his-life has been giving him the cold shoulder since he got into the army as an officer cadet. As he narrated out the beginnings of his relationship and the current lack of endearment in their meetings and SMSs, I quite quickly came to my conclusion of the core of the issue. Me: I think it's all about your foundation. Brad: But I don't use foundation... *gasp*... do you mean I need to?? To cover my flaws??? Me: *standby look* I think I need another cup of tea. When I mentioned foundation, I obviously didn't mean the kind that one pats onto your face but the foundations that are piled into the ground so that the above structure can be stable. Taken less literally, his relationship is based too much on the initial chemistry, which is what I usually give to people who know each other for less than a month before they get together. In his case, it's two weeks. But it's funny he should mention the other 'foundation'. One is what we need to enhance the chances of a long-lasting relationship, because it gives us the chance to really know and fully understand one another. While the other, serves as a temporary cover-up of who we really are, if only to present a good first impression upon the other. One's about who we are and the other is about how we look. And isn't it really more about solid foundations than shallow ones? Admittedly, looks do matter. And we're not just talking about the head-turners, because in this day and age, we have all sorts to cater to every 'taste'. However, our mien only serves as the introduction to set up the foundation, which will in turn, open the door to a long-lasting relationship. But it seems that time is of the essence in Singapore, as singles jump from 'facial foundation' to a not-so-steady relationship before the character exploration even takes root. Although there are some people that I know of that hit it off and continued on to become fairytale cases, most of these turn out to be 'meet-and-run' incidents. With my friend Brad, he has had two other relationships that ended after a few months because he knew them for only a week or two before committing. With this, I hope as a friend, that it will be one of those fairytale examples. But I did remind him of one thing. Even Cinderella had to slave for the first half of her life before her happy ending. " (Comment on this)
Saturday, October 30th, 2004
8:54 am	Reality and fantasy How much of our lives are Reality and how much is it a fantasy? Ok..i'm going to get into the Matrix frame of mind. I just had tht thought pop into my head this morning at about 8.23am. I mean, we go thru life experiencing deja vu. We sometimes go thru a period of our life thinking tht its just a dream. There are days when time just passes by so quickly tht we dnt have time to experince the whole day while there are days when it feels like we are living one hr when it has only been a min. OK....OK....i know tht its to much to take in especially on the wkn and whats the point of all this? Well, i guess we all go thru life hoping for a better life, a better tommorrow, a better partner. The list goes on. We all bitch abt life. And the best part is we like to blame it on others. We blame God, our peers, our family, our environment. There are ppl now who are blaming the Matrix. But are we in the Matrix? In the movie, ppls lives were run by programmes. Their actions were determine by ones and zeros. But we are not those ppl. We take control of our lifes. Maybe those deja vu moments are memories from our future telling us tht we have to take control of the moment. Maybe when the hrs feel like days, its our brain telling us to make full use of the time given to us. Maybe when we go thru life thinking tht its a dream, maybe its our brain telling us tht this isnt right cause only bad things happen to you. U r in control and as i end this entry, let me part with a word of wisdom from a cartoon characrter call He-Man......" I've Have the Power"...You have the control of wht goes on in your life. U r the programme tht runs your life. Cheers (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Thursday, October 28th, 2004
1:47 pm	Finding reasons / purpose My house tht I grew up since childhood till 2003 was burn to the ground this monring at abt 9am. Thank God no one got hurt.According to the police, someone broke in, robbed the place than started the fire. I just dnt know wht to do or say. Ppl ask me if i lost anything valuble in tht fire and i said yes....my photos, gifts, letters....(those may seem worthless to others but it meant the world to me) As some of you know, I've also ended my 2 yrs quest for a guy who took me on a ride of HIS life last wednesday. This spured me onto my quest for the makeover. A fresh start. I guess the burning of my old place was a sign from above tht God has indeed approve the makeover cause I lost all trace of my childhood in tht fire. my Photos, school medals, gifts from Family and friends...SIGH. The past 2 weeks has been a weeks of finding reasons of why all this is happening. Finding purpose in my life. DO i need to find the answers to all these events? Do I need reasons to feel the way i feel? Current Mood: confused (Comment on this)
Tuesday, October 19th, 2004
8:27 am	Dissapointment How many of you when going for a concert came out feeling dissapointed. How many of you feel dissapointed at something your other half did. How many of you after going into a meeting / class / lecture/ seminar came out feeling dissapointed. What cause us to feel dissapointed? Justin shared with me a word that showed me the root to all dissapointment. EXPECTATION!!! When we expect something to happen and when it doesnt happen, we get dissapointed or we feel cheated. We put expectation on many thing. We put expectation on work, friends, family, relationship, life, exams, lectures, seminars, websites and on ourselves. Expectations is just another word for measuring stick. Is it right to measure things in our lives? Someone once said tht its' better not to expect anything or its better to hope for the worst cause should something better happen, than it will be a surprise. What do I expect after writting this? Maybe to hear some thoughts from you on this matter. What if i do not hear from anyone? Do i get dissapointed cause i did not get the responds i expected? (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Monday, October 18th, 2004
2:09 pm	Extreme Makeover To all of those who have visited my teaser websites, i thank you. Do check tht address out from time to time to see whts happening. Anyway, I have some of you ask me....WHATS WITH THE WEBSITE? WHAT DOES IT ALL MEAN?? Well, in the USA, there is a show call extreme makeover where by they get ppl and transform them physically using cosmetic makeover. As you know, i was not happy with the direction MY life was taking and so I decided to make my own extreme Makeover. This does not mean tht i'm going under the knife of a doctor. Instead, I've decided to take control of my life. The 3 major areas that i'm trying to make a change for is 1) Physical 2) Emotional 3) Finnancially I know tht i have a long journey ahead of me, but I know I can do it and by doing the website, its a way to be committed to my makeover programme. You get to keep track on my changes. For those of you who have yet to see my teaser webs, here they are. www.geocities.com/ckben.rm www.geocities.com/ckben.rm/friends www.geocities.com/ckben.rm/teaser3 www.geocities.com/ckben.rm/network www.geocities.com/ckben.rm/checkout www.geocities.com/ckben.rm/travel www.geocities.com/ckben.rm/ladies Cheers (Comment on this)
Saturday, October 16th, 2004
9:17 am	The first few steps Hello and good day to you all. If most of you have saw my previous entry, i was not happy with where my life was heading to and I decided to make a change. I've set a doctor's appointment this monday (18 Oct) at 8.30am for a full medical checkup. Another thing i did was design a webpage for you to keep track of my progress. here are the address for the webpage. http://www.geocities.com/ckben.rm http://www.geocities.com/ckben.rm/friends Well, here i go for more baby steps to a brighter future. Cheers (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Tuesday, October 12th, 2004
1:07 pm	A new Me I turn 29 just over a month ago and during the past one month, I've been re-tracing my life seeing where i've been and where i am and where I'm heading to. The results were not good. And so, I've decided instead of talking, i have to do something abt it and so, i've set out on a quest. A quest of re inventing myself. My first step would be to take a full medical test. Who nine yards. Of cause the test is not what i fear, but the results and the waiting for the results is the one thts going to be agonizing. Being in a family where the medical background ranges from hight blood presure to heard attack to liver problem...its scares me. But it has to be done. Anyway, wish me luck. Cheers (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Tuesday, September 28th, 2004
8:27 am	Blogging While studying in Singapore a long time ago, little did i know that i was already introduce to blogging. We had this programme where by each month we were given a book to read and at every end of the month, we would be given a written test on it. i admit that the programme did open my eyes to awesome books and writters. Some of the books that we were given were, "The hitchicker Guide to the Galaxy" and " Danny Champion of the World". But i would have to say that one of the books that I loved was the Adrian Mole Diaries. For those of you not familiar with Sue Thomas's creation, its a diary written by a kid age 13 and 1/4 . In it, Adrian writes about love, sex, politics, society and growing up. It was a hoot and this was my first exposure to Blogging. Well, that was in the early 90's. Many years has past and now, I found another Sue Thomas. In fact, this guys writting is even better. The writter is called clickonthis. He is in my friends list. Ok..Ok..technically, he's not my friend. To be honest, I dont even know his name. Anyway, I printed 69 pages of his blog... font size: 7.5, Font used: Verdana from http://powerofone.blogspot.com/ and I'm spend yesterday evening while waiting for Chris to read his Blog. It was Funny, outspoken. Everything you would expect from a pro blogger. I admit that I did learn quite abit about goldfish. I loved his entry on chain mail, fish with high sex drive, buying toto, near death experince,goldfish, Eiiiu the lizard, Criteria when buying fish, Tampon, Red wine and it's side effects and did i mention about goldfish? Check out his LJ entry on 23 September on the problem with his balls. It was funny and I loved the way he wrote this entry. Looking forward to this evening when I can lay in bed and continue reading his blog. For those of you who wants an introduction into the world of blogging or want to see an example of what a blog can be like, check out clickonthis LJ and his earlier works on http://powerofone.blogspot.com/ You are in for a blast. (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Friday, September 24th, 2004
8:38 am	Happy ever after???? What does Snow White, Cinderella and Sleeping Beauty all have in common? They all Married the same Guy...PRINCE CHARMING!!! If they all married the same guy, how in the world did "they" live happy ever after? (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Thursday, September 23rd, 2004
1:04 pm	Travel the world To travel the world is to open one's mind to the way of the world. People say that we dont have to travel oversea to open our eyes. They might say that all we need to do is open our eyes and look at our own back yard. To some extent I do agree. But given the chance, would you rather sit at home or travel the world witnessing different cuture? I have to admit that I am who I am today because of my travels. Well....my dream one day would be to bagpack round the world but it will be done a travel at a time. Below is a map of the World and USA. Those in red are places I've been and as you will notice, i still have a long way to go. create your own visited countries map or check out these Google Hacks. create your own visited states map or check out these Google Hacks. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Wednesday, September 22nd, 2004
8:49 am	Meaning of Relationship Why get into a relationship? People might say that they get into a relationship so that they can share their joy, sorrows, happiness, dreams, goals, etc with someone special. But do we not already do that with someone we call family and friends? In an episode of Oprah, she was interviewing Cameron Diaz and Cameron said that she didnt believe in Marriage and Oprah replied that we, as human has evolve where marriage is no more nessary. Oprah also states that do we really want to stay commited to someone after 25 years? If marriage isnt on anybodies mind, than why get into relationship? If people don't plan to stay commited to someone for long, than why get into a relationship? Is it save to say that the main reason why we get into a relationship is because of SEX? As I mention earlier, we share our joy, sorrows, happiness, dreams, goals, etc with friends and family. But we cannot have sex with family and friends...unless of cause you believe in "Brotherly or sisterly love" or you dont value your friendship. In this time and age, relationship holds a whole new meaning. It no more holds the meaning of commitment. Relationship is now a lifestyle. If you are not in a relationship, you are either not cool or there is something wrong with you. It's safe to say that most people get into a relationship for the wrong reason. Some of the wrong reasons are: 1) Everyone has a relationship, so should I. 2) I better get into a relationship so that I can have sex. 3) I better have sex so that I can get into a relationship with someone. 4) "You fill in your reason for getting into a relationship" To me, a relationship is about: A) 2 people who must have a mutual understanding with each other. B) Boundries. C) Communication D) Dedication/Commitment E) Sacrifice There are many other variable that make up a relationship and its up to us to define what a realtionship is and what it stands for cause a relationship holds different meaning to different "INDIVIDUAL" (Comment on this)
Monday, September 20th, 2004
9:00 am	Coming Out Coming out of the closet…why a closet? Can’t it be coming out of the toilet or bedroom? Why a closet? Anyway, coming out of the closet was not easy for me considering that I’ve been portraying a straight guy all my life. As far as I can remember, the first people I told that I was gay was a few other people on a bus after a Church youth rally in 1990. After that, the whole coming out took a back seat. It was like 13 years later that I decided to test the water and so the first person I came out to was Maxine. Maxine was a girl I had a crush on a long time ago. She was my last hope. My last hope at what most people would call “A NORMAL LIFE” At first Max thought I was joking and said that she was going to do some research and see if there is a way to make me straight again. Straight again? When was I ever straight? I’ve always been bended. That’s another thing I don’t get. Why do gay people have to be bent? Why not curvy? As days pass, Maxine knew I wasn’t joking and she became very supportive. I told myself that coming out was not as bad as I thought it would be. And so, I began opening up to a few more friends. Some thought I was joking and they laughed it off. Others just became distant. But most of my friends treated me like they have always have been. The hardest moment for me was coming out to my younger brother. I’ve tried coming out to him a few times but each time I would just back down. But I felt that I needed to tell him cause sooner or later he was going to ask how come I was not providing him any nephews or nieces. And so I emailed him about my skeleton in my closet and how dysfunctional our family is and below is his reply, which I will forever cherish…. “I have suspected this all this while. Well, maybe for several years already. But its alright. I have always treated you the same, and I’ll continue to treat you the same. Everybody has their own skeleton in their closet. So if you’re gay, you’re gay. Nothing to worry about. But just be careful who you tell in Malaysia. I guess that not everyone there is susceptible to the idea yet. But if you’re worried about telling me this, let me tell you: Don’t be. Being a dysfunctional family has its merits. No matter what, you’re my brother, and what ever you become, you’ll always be my brother. By name, blood and sweat. So as the song goes; Don’t Worry, Be Happy. I just hope you are Elvin" Below is another email I got from a friend when I told him I was Gay. His name is Kevin. He's not gay, but what he wrote is something that just gives me hope that not everyone out there is with a pitch fork waiting to burn us...... "Thanx for calling Clay.. I guess if i m not the person u trust, u won't be telling me that.. & i do appreciate u share it with me.. Everyone is an individual (we both learned it from Hayewood), I guess we can only respect them as a person though ppl somehow disagree with each other.. if it worries u, I guess I must tell u this: go be the person u wan2 be.. I sure will attend yur wedding if u do hav one in the future, regardless of who is yur partner, as long as u feel he is the rite person...if u feel like u can't find someone to express yurself, u hav got one here.. yes indeed, u r the Clayton i know.. & i am still the Kevin u know as well... always there to back u up.." So, for all of you who are in the closet and is not sure if you should come out or not cause you are waiting for the right moment/time.....let me ask you this...when is there a right time. The right time is always the present cause that is all you have. I'm not asking you to throw caution to the wind and shout from the window that you are gay. All I'm asking is that you be honest with yourself and know who you are and what you want for yourself. Not for your parents. Not for your friends. Not for the Nation....but for YOURSELF. (Comment on this)
Sunday, September 19th, 2004
8:50 am	Gay Sex How do you guys do it? It’s done with lots of love, patients, proper positioning, condoms and KY Jelly. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Saturday, September 18th, 2004
8:35 am	Love The following was written for people falling in love or falling out of love. Love can do strange things to people. People fight for love, kill of love and die for love. Love can be your friend but it also can be your foe. To little love means afraid of commitment. To much love means suffocating the relationship. Most people give up on love when things are not going their way. People give up on love cause they are afraid of being heart broken. Most people give up on love cause they think that it’s a sign of weakness. People give up on love cause they view love as a commitment. There is a passage in the bible about love that states: Love suffers long and is kind; Love does not envy; Love does not parade itself, is not puffed up; Does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, Is not provoked, thinks no evil; does not rejoice in iniquity, But rejoices in the truth; bears all things, Endures all things. Love never fails. And now abide Faith, Hope, Love; These three; but the greatest of these is LOVE 1 Corinthians 13:4-8,13 Love does not this and that….blah…blah…blah. How many of us get angry when the person we love starts making advancement on other people. How many of us actually keep quite about the love we get from the person we love? Do we not go around telling people how awesome your relationship/love is? If I had a chance to rewrite that verse, this is how it will be written, Love suffers long and is kind......most of the time; Love does envy; Love does parade itself; It puffs up; Does behave rudely, does seek its own, Is provoked, thinks evil sometimes; Does rejoice in other people’s iniquity, Love does fail And now abide Faith, Hope Love; These Three; but the greatest of these three is SELF CONFIDENT 1 Clayton 22;22-8,23 To me, love is.... 1)A rainbow It’s always that one thing that appears after it rains. When we go thru some hear times, it’s the love from family and friends that will pull us thru 2)A Fairy Tale We all want our love life to begin with “Once upon a time” and to end with “They live happily ever after” 3)A Glass Slipper It’s always nice to look at. But once we use it, we have to take care of it so as to not out so much stress on it so not to break it. 4)A super Hero It allows us to make our spirit soar without wings. It allows us to see into people’s heart and sometimes it allows us to read other people’s mind. 5)Like a Child Love doesn’t care about yesterday or tomorrow. All they care about is the present 6)An addiction We can never get enough of it. We always want more love. Your Love Style Is... Caring! You seem to have it all worked out. You are emotional strong, warm and know how to love. More importantly you think with both your head and your heart allowing you to handle all romantic situations calmly. How did you get this smart!! What is your Love Style? Find out at DatingTips.ws (3 Comments |Comment on this)